To begin again

I used to write a blog called “Good Girls Wear Thongs.” Don’t look for it, it’s gone. The banner of the website had a picture of a woman’s feet in a pair of flip flops. I thought it was clever at the time. Without putting any effort into the exact timing, I’m guessing it was about 10 years ago. It even gained a slight bit of momentum, and I was beginning to write for other online publications. It was coming together and then without any knowledge I was doing it; I ghosted my own blog and all my readers.

Occasionally, I would dive into a topic, The mass shooting in Newtown, Connecticut in 2012 comes to mind, but mainly I kept it light and dripping in sarcasm. I told funny, often embarrassing stories of my life and we all had a good laugh. I miss it.

I didn’t stand up one day, close my laptop and say, “Well, I’m not writing anymore,” and walk off into the sunset. I attempted to keep it going, but life got in the way and frankly it was getting less and less funny. Kids grew up, pressures mounted, depression and anxiety replaced confidence, humour and any resemblance of creativity. Over time I developed a significant drinking problem, with a side of disordered eating. These things collaborated and dismantled my mental health.

I’m not going to get into my drinking story, but I will say for anyone questioning themselves, I was not a daily drinker. Some said I didn’t even drink much at all and I just needed to relax. Let me tell you how helpful that advise was. With my whole heart I wanted to believe them. I loved drinking. The problem was they never knew what it was doing to me mentally. The 3am panic attacks, the hiding and manipulation was exhausting. I had been writing in my journal about quitting for 14 years. I was taking antidepressants and then drinking a depressant causing extreme highs and lows – then after a while, just lows.

0 out of 10, do not recommend.

I guess you could categorize me as a Grey Area Drinker which we now know is just one of the stops on the Alcohol Use Disorder spectrum. You don’t have to see your physical world falling apart to have a problem. It can 100 percent be an inside job. The biggest thing I’ve learned is if you are questioning whether you have a problem, you do. HARD STOP. You don’t have to take on the label “Alcoholic,” but if you want to feel better, you must quit. Sorry. I hated it hear it to. I’m almost 4 years without a drink and there are times when I truly miss it. Especially during a pandemic and living with the reality of there being a mad man in another country ready to blow us to bits because the man running the country next to him is handsome with loads of charisma and has a gigantic set of balls.

The bottom line is my drinking brought me deep into some dark areas, yet I still carried on being a wife, mother, daughter, sister and employee. I guess trying to write was just too much. Something had to give. For the past few years, I’ve concentrated on my recovery. I make zero promises of not drinking again. I try not to think past the day I’m in and today I know where the path will take me and it’s not worth the risk.

Over the years I tried starting new blogs. I became a recovery coach so I could write blogs on my website – I did one. You can find it here: www.branchingoutrecovery.com. My bursts of creativity would drive me for a few months but eventually I found it too difficult. I realize now I was approaching it wrong.

I used to find so many things funny and couldn’t wait to write about them, but every time I sat down it became clear I had changed and I didn’t know what I wanted to say anymore, so I said nothing. The writing wasn’t authentic and to be completely honest I was scared to death (and still am) of the judgement of others. The internet is not a friendly place sometimes. I’m afraid to write about current topics because one wrong word and you are “cancelled,” – not that I have a platform to be cancelled from, but conflict is not my strong suit and I’m a master at co-dependency so not a good combo to be putting my thoughts out there to be criticized.

Fear held me back, fear of failure, success, judgement, but every time I sit still and listen, I am pulled to write.

I need this blog to work, for me. I need a place to begin again, to reintroduce myself.

I am not the same sarcastic, passive aggressive woman. Today, I have softer edges and a smaller bite.